Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
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I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.