One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
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THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.