@DopeyTweeter: Fight Club: Teaches you how imaginary friends can become more popular than you are.
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@beefman138: I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine. 299 of them are Nestlé.
@AristotlesNZ: Wife: How's the baby? Me: He keeps trying to shove socks thru the mail slot. Wife: Aw. His socks or yours? Me: Socks is the neighbor's cat..
@SteussieErica: [Calling guy I met in bar in '91] Me: Remember you said "Call me any time?" Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.