@DevilryFun: I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

@Maxine12333: If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

@Avepates: Sometimes I like to hysterically tell mall security that my infant son has gone missing just so I can show people baby pictures of myself.

@gruffybeard: Her: I love that thing you do to make me moan. Me: *makes another plate of nachos*

@idiosity: I wish I was poplar. No, that's not a typo. I wish I was a tree.