@DopeyTweeter: Fight Club: Teaches you how imaginary friends can become more popular than you are.
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@myonlymizztake: Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
@PaperWash: Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy's before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
@Malocallidus: What if Daft Punk is just a couple of rad old ladies who met in knitting club and shared a love of sick beats?
@OtherDanOBrien: *I throw u a kiss* *u duck* *it flies into space* [6 bn yrs later - the planet Xargx] LORD ZARG: Kill the- *kiss hits his cheek* LZ: Aww nvm