Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
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I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes