Fight fire with water. Idiots.
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I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
inventing words: clothing
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!