[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
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“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?