Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
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Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”