(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
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interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.