Ice skating is like walking in cursive
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You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
dream blunt rotation
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin