Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
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I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!