I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
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The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God