“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
You Might Also Like
When I grow up, I want to be 16
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
what do you want!!!!!!!!
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.