This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
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[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
My blood type is b hungry.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?