[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
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My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
This could’ve been an email.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I think my mom just blocked me
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.