Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
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me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
OKAY DAD
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.