[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
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Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
bought wrong eggs
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
The news in a nutshell.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
this has to be peak English
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.