[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
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Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I would like even faster food.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!