Finally a use for spoilers…
You Might Also Like
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.