“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
You Might Also Like
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.