“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
You Might Also Like
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Trumpy Cat
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist