@sip_at_home_mom: Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we're having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
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@drunktweets81: My life is like a beautiful piece of furniture from IKEA. Once I figure out how to put it all together, I may get to actually enjoy it.
@dtee83: Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends? Me: your mother, why? W: Stop acting like you're 12. M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
@Andee_Stewart: I always close the door to the bathroom even if I'm home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing