Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
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*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.