[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
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Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Breaking news:
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
can’t talk my ride’s here
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I never needed anything more in my life