*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
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Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.