@chiggerweeds: Finally figured out that 'YOLO' is 'carpe diem' in douchebag.
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@heatherlou_: I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
@schlimp: Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder? Me: I'd trapped myself in a Tupperware container Cop: Damn, that's an air tight alibi
@ieatanddrink: Commercial for elbows: A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. "Why did I go with the cheap arms?!" Narrator: "Elbows"
@UNTRESOR: Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I'll just sign up with a different name. They can't silence the truth.