Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
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“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
That took me a moment.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.