SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
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Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
12653.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?