Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
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water it, i dare you
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.