HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
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I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again