Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
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Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
my nickname in college
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy