@WilliamAder: My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.

@jergarl: In my defense, my response to her inquiry as to how my day was going was "I'm less stabby than normal" not "Please tell me about your cat."

@AnkCoupleTO: [college career fair] Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML *CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

@SCbchbum: Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

@sarcasticmommy4: I'm not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they'd still ask me for a snack.