*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
You Might Also Like
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”