*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
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There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.