Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
You Might Also Like
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Found the job I’m suited for
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
grotesque if literal: baby food
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman