@jordan_stratton: Finally found a house! We couldn't afford it and it wasn't for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
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@michaelianblack: "God" not mentioned in Democratic platform means they don't worship God. "Money" mentioned eleven times in Republican platform.
@SirEviscerate: You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
@itsa_talia: one time a friend asked me "how are you still single?!" and the list of reasons is still compiling in my head