Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
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one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
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i s
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.