Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
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I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice