finally found a reasonable question
You Might Also Like
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime