Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
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You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.