Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
You Might Also Like
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Solving a traffic jam
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.