*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
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I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.