Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
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My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*