@noxxhell: Finally getting around to shaving my legs, blow drying them kept taking to long.
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@TheresNoGodzila: *gets on 1 knee* Me: I know we haven't known each other for a long time, but will you marry me? Her: Please get off my knee
@tmckenna1: "Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope" is like the 7th Onion headline that's become real life in this election season
@TheToddWilliams: WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage? ME: I made a cloning machine. WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid. OTHER ME: Like what?