@noxxhell: Finally getting around to shaving my legs, blow drying them kept taking to long.
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@Reverend_Scott: [texting] Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am) Him: About? (9:01 am) Him: What? (9:02 am) Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am) Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
@momopface: WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You're an adult" every few minutes.
@iamburtjarvis: [2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound] "chief, something has brought the boys to the yard" bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
@Pro_Jones_: Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP Me: I'm woke Kids: How woke? Me: We're putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.