Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
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Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.