Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
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“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
why I oughta
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win