Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
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My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Hard not to take this personally
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Duck typos.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
I love you…
…r dog.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
The opposite of Iceland is water water