@TheThomason: Finally got the "Josh Duggar is good" neck tattoo I've wanted for years, now let me just read today's news as I take a large sip of water...
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@murrman5: *shipwrecked diary* Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab Day 2: I have married the crab. Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
@ibid78: "I see your bet and raise you all my hair since 6th grade. Oh and this pen." "Sir that's not- "You got a problem with pens?"
@Book_Krazy: 9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes? Me: Because they're ballet dancers 9: Why didn't they just get taller girls?
@joci2203: [first date] Him: Why are you being so distant? Me: Why didn't you order a side of guacamole?