@urfavoritejoel: Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
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@AnOrangeSNES: [A field] *An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun* Me: It's time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
@Robert_Beau: I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
@martyntanton: My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
@Brianhopecomedy: The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.