@urfavoritejoel: Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
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@timdonakowski: Starting a new job today. I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
@Mr_Kapowski: ME: Do we have Bacon Bits? WIFE: Fridge. Why? ME: *filling pockets* No reason *dog park* PERSON: Sorry. He's normally behaved ME: No prob
@AndyAsAdjective: ME: I dreamed about you last night PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
@angelunatic_: Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date Wrong We're sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable