Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
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Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire