@IamEnidColeslaw: That awkward moment when I tried starting a slow clap in the hospital after my uncle died.

@kivtur: [How the rap feud started] Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b'day party? 2pac: sure, no biggie Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]

@stephenjmolloy: God: But if you use your sting you will die. Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news? God: Err...

@walks_on_legs: Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

@birbigs: One way to tell if what you're watching isn't really news is if the person is shouting at you.