@EndhooS: Wife: He's always lying about his celebrity connections.. Therapist: Is this true? Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.

@DontDraketheIce: Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

@ValeeGrrl: My son just explained how he wants to make a necklace out of my hair which is totally normal & doesn't at all concern & terrify me.

@_NTFG_: In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories. I can't wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

@BellPupper: DICKENS: I’ve got writers block... I’ll have a martini, Bob. BARTENDER: Olive or twist? DICKENS: *looks into camera*