Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
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Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably