@bryanmcc74: Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep ... That's it, I've got that !
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@TheNardvark: She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
@UberFacts: A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
@1Happytwit: This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she's never broken a lawnmower before.
@Maui_Speaks: Dear person who just turned in your resume with no name or phone number. You didn't get the job.