Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
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Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
The Assassin.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money