“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
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It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER